Earlier this month, leading researcher Karen Gibson’s entire crew was devoured before her eyes by the raging, insecure leviathan.

“After I stopped cowering, I realized what a pitiful sight it was. When Rothmar breached our ship and started swallowing sailors whole, to me it was so clear that he’d gotten really conscious of his weight,” Gibson reported. “He had this guilty look in his eye as he sneaked an extra couple sailors in, and you could just tell he was comparing himself to all those other sleek, muscle-bound sea-monsters, like Nessie and the Midgard Serpent.”

“He needn’t feel so bad about it,” mysterious monster hunter Red Scotty McDonagh said. “We all pack on a couple pounds o’er the holidays. Somebody needs to tell him that terrorizing all who dare cross through his domain with a shirt on only draws more attention to him.”

Others were less kind. “He’s not fooling anybody,” one of the few survivors of Rothmar’s most recent attack. “I can see his man-water-lizard-boobs right through that shirt.”

At press time, the wrathful, chubby reptile had added a gigantic floppy hat to his wardrobe, undoubtedly to cover up a receding hairline.