Marcelo's articles
Sources report that freshman Michael McLaughlin reportedly forgot to pack his parents in his suitcase before leaving for college.
“I double-checked to make sure I had my toothbrush, two weeks of clothes, even my Cards Against Humanity set,” McLaughlin told the Noser.
Up-and-coming Providence rapper Simplicity confirmed in an interview last week his love for songwriting and his fanbase. Specifically, the rapper noted how happy he was to be making music that would inevitably be covered by white people with acoustic guitars, and then posted on Youtube.
Chef and author Anthony Bourdain has come under scrutiny since it came to light that a new episode of his show “Parts Unknown” centers around the preparation and consumption of a live forty-six year old Frenchman. The episode, titled “Brittany,” follows Bourdain around the northwest region of France as he samples local dishes including Breton butter cake, fresh shellfish, and ultimately, a live middle-aged pastry chef.
In June 2017, the government of American territory Puerto Rico held a referendum, the purpose of which was for the people to vote decisively for statehood or independence. Like the last three referendums over the past ten years, the results were anything but decisive.
A study commissioned by the Drug Enforcement Administration revealed that the average concert attendee will show up just as balls-to-the-wall lit to a not-for-profit benefit concert as they would to a regular for-profit music festival or stadium show.
In a statement released Tuesday, the White House stated that George Washington, first president of the United States, had been successfully revived from the dead.
“He was extremely inquisitive about the state of the country,” stated Nurse Robert Brigham, who was assigned as President Washington’s primary caregiver.
At a press conference this past Wednesday, Secretary Sean Spicer was seen employing tactics on journalists he had read about on an online forum for pick-up artists.
“That’s a really nice tie,” Secretary Spicer reportedly told Associated Press Correspondent Michael Blair, before disinterestedly lighting a cigarette and looking in the other direction.
We live in uncertain times. Every night, we go to sleep unsure of what the morning brings. Fear and hate seem to dominate the world during a time when all we need is more love for our fellow humans. But let me assure you: someone up there has a plan.
Listen, it’s not always parties and bottles of champagne in the life of an internationally famous R&B singer. Between constant touring, recording sessions, label meetings, and studio pressure, it can be downright exhausting. But there are some little things that make even those stresses a bit sweeter.
Wednesday evening, Allison Taylor ‘18 and Miles Greenberg ‘19 listed various interruptions in their attempt to put a civil end to their relationship in the Sharpe Refectory, as several passersby they were various levels of acquainted with forced them to acknowledge the presence of other people nearby.
Sources revealed Wednesday that area man Allen Carmichael, 55, and his son Joseph, 15, are continually engaged in attempts to prevent the other from discovering their marijuana habits. Despite living on the same floor of the same house and spending hours of each day together, both individuals remain entirely unaware of the other’s nagging compulsion to smoke, ingest or otherwise consume cannabis, sources close to the father-son pair said.
Every member of the Chicago-based Melkin household has an entire other family that they’re keeping secret, a recently published report reveals.
Kenneth Melkin, 48, was seen kissing his wife Anna goodbye as he stepped out the door for a “business trip” to Colorado, the excuse he was using to drop off a secret anniversary present to the Aspen businesswoman he’d impregnated after a post-conference mixer and proceeded to visit and live with every week.
Sources report that, man oh man, local man Derek Plouvin, 43, ate too many eggs.
“Uh oh,” said Plouvin after clearing his plate. “I probably should have stopped after two or three or four instead of the many, many eggs that I ate.”
“Oh jeez, it’s a sight to see,” Plouvin’s wife Leigh added.
Hitchhiker Leslie Marens, a deranged serial killer planning on strangling the first person to offer him a ride, was picked up off the side of the highway late Thursday evening by cannibal Stan Litchmore, sources confirm.
“Felt like killin’,” said Marens.
Hey, guy. Lovely day for a barbecue, isn’t it? Sun, friends, food, nothing like it. Say, what’re you drinking? …Is that a Redd’s?
Listen, buddy. Let me tell you, if you’re drinking that generic swill, you haven’t tried real craft cider like the kind I’ve got in my hand here.
Freshman roommates Adam Cohen and Miles Bunk of Metcalf Hall reached an agreement amenable to both parties about when each of them could expel the other from the room based on their wild assumptions about their future sexual activity.
“We knew we would need a solution that comfortably accommodates both our needs,” Cohen said of several page protocol that would never need to be consulted.
James Baldwell, a leading researcher at the University of Cambridge’s Simian Studies Facility, recently published a report concluding that the bonobo chimpanzee is fully capable of intelligently communicating with humans through a specialized sign language, and would likely taste really good filleted and seared over a low flame.
Although well into the second decade of his life, East Providence man Fred Schiller reportedly still needs to be told to eat his vegetables.
“Yeah, Fred’s always had a weird thing about eating greens,” said his partner Andrew Wilkins. “I thought most people grew out of it by their teens, but I have to remind him everyday that he has to eat his vegetables if he wants to be strong.”
Whenever confronted with vegetables either at home or elsewhere, Fred can usually be seen pushing them to the side of his plate or attempting to hide them with his napkin.
Evan Kaufman ‘15 confessed yesterday that, as a classics concentrator, he expected more Led Zep as part of his curriculum.
“There’ve been so many great professors and classes,” Kaufman said. “As a classics major, I learned so much about ancient texts and cultures.
New analysis from archivists at the University of Virginia suggest that Hitler’s bodyguards must have been very skilled in their dispatching of assassins sent from the future to kill the then Chancellor of Germany.
“Hitler lived long enough to kill himself,” reported lead researcher Jennifer Richardson.
Rothmar, a 350,000-year-old plesiosaur that lives deep in the Pacific Ocean has recently been seen lurking beneath the waves while wearing an enormous white t-shirt to cover its monster belly.
Earlier this month, leading researcher Karen Gibson’s entire crew was devoured before her eyes by the raging, insecure leviathan.
Source report that Bennett Wrigley, coach of high school baseball team the Tulsa Tornadoes, has recently come under fire with the revelation that his “tough love” approach to coaching lacks anything resembling love whatsoever and that Wrigley is just a mean person.
Local feline Princess Whiskers passed away last Thursday leaving the entirety of her fortune to her human owner, Maxwell Cooper.
Cooper found his inheritance deposited at the foot of his bed that morning. Among the deceased’s property was a scratching post, three balls, an ounce of catnip, and a bent pipe cleaner.
During an interview at her Beverly Hills home on Sunday, Daytime Emmy Award winner Hana Taylor expressed her desire to break out of entertainment and begin a new life in the restaurant industry. “This has always been a part-time thing,” she stated.
Sarah Barton of Thornton Donovan Kindergarten expressed doubts Tuesday concerning the future of her pretend marriage with classmate Henry Fritz.
“I thought we’d spend the rest of our recess together,” Barton said, “but he’s just not the same little boy I started this pretend family with.”
According to Barton, Fritz spends long spans of time away from the sandbox they call home, leaving the care of their two pretend children to her.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
