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The Brown Noser

Marcelo Rivera-Figueroa

Editor-in-Chief (Retired)

Marcelo's articles

Forgetful Freshman Didn’t Pack His Parents | Sep 15 2017

Sources report that freshman Michael McLaughlin reportedly forgot to pack his parents in his suitcase before leaving for college. “I double-checked to make sure I had my toothbrush, two weeks of clothes, even my Cards Against Humanity set,” McLaughlin told the Noser.

Hip Hop Artist Thrilled To Be Writing Songs For White People With Acoustic Guitars To Cover | Sep 15 2017

Up-and-coming Providence rapper Simplicity confirmed in an interview last week his love for songwriting and his fanbase. Specifically, the rapper noted how happy he was to be making music that would inevitably be covered by white people with acoustic guitars, and then posted on Youtube.

Anthony Bourdain Under Fire For Eating Live Frenchman On Air | Sep 15 2017

Chef and author Anthony Bourdain has come under scrutiny since it came to light that a new episode of his show “Parts Unknown” centers around the preparation and consumption of a live forty-six year old Frenchman. The episode, titled “Brittany,” follows Bourdain around the northwest region of France as he samples local dishes including Breton butter cake, fresh shellfish, and ultimately, a live middle-aged pastry chef.

Puerto Rico Can't Be A State Because It's Not Touching Any of The Other Ones | Sep 15 2017

In June 2017, the government of American territory Puerto Rico held a referendum, the purpose of which was for the people to vote decisively for statehood or independence. Like the last three referendums over the past ten years, the results were anything but decisive.

Study Shows Concertgoers Show Up Just As High To The Charity Ones | Mar 17 2017

A study commissioned by the Drug Enforcement Administration revealed that the average concert attendee will show up just as balls-to-the-wall lit to a not-for-profit benefit concert as they would to a regular for-profit music festival or stadium show.

Resurrected George Washington Horrified How Far Country Has Taken Partisanship, Civil Rights | Mar 17 2017

In a statement released Tuesday, the White House stated that George Washington, first president of the United States, had been successfully revived from the dead. “He was extremely inquisitive about the state of the country,” stated Nurse Robert Brigham, who was assigned as President Washington’s primary caregiver.

Secretary Spicer Trying Some Stuff Out On Press He Saw On Pick-Up Artist Forum | Mar 17 2017

At a press conference this past Wednesday, Secretary Sean Spicer was seen employing tactics on journalists he had read about on an online forum for pick-up artists. “That’s a really nice tie,” Secretary Spicer reportedly told Associated Press Correspondent Michael Blair, before disinterestedly lighting a cigarette and looking in the other direction.

Someone Up There Has A Plan, And That Someone Is Me, by Hickory Wade, Airline Pilot | Mar 17 2017

We live in uncertain times. Every night, we go to sleep unsure of what the morning brings. Fear and hate seem to dominate the world during a time when all we need is more love for our fellow humans. But let me assure you: someone up there has a plan.

Sometimes I Think About How Many People Have Made Love To The Sound Of My Voice by Jeremih | Dec 09 2016

Listen, it’s not always parties and bottles of champagne in the life of an internationally famous R&B singer. Between constant touring, recording sessions, label meetings, and studio pressure, it can be downright exhausting. But there are some little things that make even those stresses a bit sweeter.

Couple Breaking Up In Ratty Keep Getting Enthusiastic Waves From Friends Walking By | Apr 29 2016

Wednesday evening, Allison Taylor ‘18 and Miles Greenberg ‘19 listed various interruptions in their attempt to put a civil end to their relationship in the Sharpe Refectory, as several passersby they were various levels of acquainted with forced them to acknowledge the presence of other people nearby.

Dad, Son Both Hiding Weed Habits | Mar 11 2016

Sources revealed Wednesday that area man Allen Carmichael, 55, and his son Joseph, 15, are continually engaged in attempts to prevent the other from discovering their marijuana habits. Despite living on the same floor of the same house and spending hours of each day together, both individuals remain entirely unaware of the other’s nagging compulsion to smoke, ingest or otherwise consume cannabis, sources close to the father-son pair said.

Everyone In Family Has Secret Family On The Side | Dec 04 2015

Every member of the Chicago-based Melkin household has an entire other family that they’re keeping secret, a recently published report reveals. Kenneth Melkin, 48, was seen kissing his wife Anna goodbye as he stepped out the door for a “business trip” to Colorado, the excuse he was using to drop off a secret anniversary present to the Aspen businesswoman he’d impregnated after a post-conference mixer and proceeded to visit and live with every week.

Man Ate Too Many Eggs | Oct 30 2015

Sources report that, man oh man, local man Derek Plouvin, 43, ate too many eggs. “Uh oh,” said Plouvin after clearing his plate. “I probably should have stopped after two or three or four instead of the many, many eggs that I ate.” “Oh jeez, it’s a sight to see,” Plouvin’s wife Leigh added.

Murderer Hitchhiker Picked Up By Cannibal Driver | Oct 30 2015

Hitchhiker Leslie Marens, a deranged serial killer planning on strangling the first person to offer him a ride, was picked up off the side of the highway late Thursday evening by cannibal Stan Litchmore, sources confirm. “Felt like killin’,” said Marens.

You Haven’t Tried Real Craft Cider Until You’ve Pried It From My Cold, Dead Hands | Oct 06 2015

Hey, guy. Lovely day for a barbecue, isn’t it? Sun, friends, food, nothing like it. Say, what’re you drinking? …Is that a Redd’s? Listen, buddy. Let me tell you, if you’re drinking that generic swill, you haven’t tried real craft cider like the kind I’ve got in my hand here.

Freshman Roommates' Sexile Protocol Wildly Optimistic | Oct 06 2015

Freshman roommates Adam Cohen and Miles Bunk of Metcalf Hall reached an agreement amenable to both parties about when each of them could expel the other from the room based on their wild assumptions about their future sexual activity. “We knew we would need a solution that comfortably accommodates both our needs,” Cohen said of several page protocol that would never need to be consulted.

Bonobos Capable Of Acquiring Language, Probably Also Delicious | Apr 24 2015

James Baldwell, a leading researcher at the University of Cambridge’s Simian Studies Facility, recently published a report concluding that the bonobo chimpanzee is fully capable of intelligently communicating with humans through a specialized sign language, and would likely taste really good filleted and seared over a low flame.

Man Still Needs To Be Told To Eat His Vegetables | Apr 24 2015

Although well into the second decade of his life, East Providence man Fred Schiller reportedly still needs to be told to eat his vegetables. “Yeah, Fred’s always had a weird thing about eating greens,” said his partner Andrew Wilkins. “I thought most people grew out of it by their teens, but I have to remind him everyday that he has to eat his vegetables if he wants to be strong.” Whenever confronted with vegetables either at home or elsewhere, Fred can usually be seen pushing them to the side of his plate or attempting to hide them with his napkin.

Classics Concentrator Expected More Led Zep | Mar 06 2015

Evan Kaufman ‘15 confessed yesterday that, as a classics concentrator, he expected more Led Zep as part of his curriculum. “There’ve been so many great professors and classes,” Kaufman said. “As a classics major, I learned so much about ancient texts and cultures.

Archives Reveal Hitler's Bodyguards Must Have Been Very Good At Killing Time Traveling Assassins | Mar 06 2015

New analysis from archivists at the University of Virginia suggest that Hitler’s bodyguards must have been very skilled in their dispatching of assassins sent from the future to kill the then Chancellor of Germany. “Hitler lived long enough to kill himself,” reported lead researcher Jennifer Richardson.

Self-Conscious Sea Monster Terrorizes With Shirt On | Mar 06 2015

Rothmar, a 350,000-year-old plesiosaur that lives deep in the Pacific Ocean has recently been seen lurking beneath the waves while wearing an enormous white t-shirt to cover its monster belly. Earlier this month, leading researcher Karen Gibson’s entire crew was devoured before her eyes by the raging, insecure leviathan.

Tough Coach Really Just Mean Person | Mar 06 2015

Source report that Bennett Wrigley, coach of high school baseball team the Tulsa Tornadoes, has recently come under fire with the revelation that his “tough love” approach to coaching lacks anything resembling love whatsoever and that Wrigley is just a mean person.

Eccentric Cat Leaves Owner Entire Fortune | Dec 05 2014

Local feline Princess Whiskers passed away last Thursday leaving the entirety of her fortune to her human owner, Maxwell Cooper. Cooper found his inheritance deposited at the foot of his bed that morning. Among the deceased’s property was a scratching post, three balls, an ounce of catnip, and a bent pipe cleaner.

Aspiring Waitress Looking To Get Out Of Show Business | Dec 03 2014

During an interview at her Beverly Hills home on Sunday, Daytime Emmy Award winner Hana Taylor expressed her desire to break out of entertainment and begin a new life in the restaurant industry. “This has always been a part-time thing,” she stated.

Six-Year-Old Trapped In Loveless Game Of House | Dec 03 2014

Sarah Barton of Thornton Donovan Kindergarten expressed doubts Tuesday concerning the future of her pretend marriage with classmate Henry Fritz. “I thought we’d spend the rest of our recess together,” Barton said, “but he’s just not the same little boy I started this pretend family with.” According to Barton, Fritz spends long spans of time away from the sandbox they call home, leaving the care of their two pretend children to her.