It was 2013. Frances Ha had just come out to generally positive reviews, but I still felt like my career was missing something… or someone. One night, I was visited by a figure shrouded in darkness, appearing fully realized in my apartment. This mysterious specter promised that, if I gave up my soul and vowed to spend an eternity in hell, it would grant me the ability to telepathically manipulate the whims and actions of one Mr. Timothée Chalamet. Timmy was young, a rising star, but the mage assured me that the trade would pay off. So I bid my soul adieu, and I’ve been at peace with this decision ever since.
Since gaining mind control over Timothée Chalamet, I’ve been nominated for three Academy Awards. This is because every morning, I have Timmy wake up and think “That Greta Gerwig sure is great! I want to do movies with her forever.” And throughout the day, I’ll put little messages in his brain like, “I love Greta!” and, “I should call Greta and see what she’s working on,” and, “I will never, ever work with Todd Phillips no matter what.” It’s amazing! I have absolutely no regrets regarding the ominous bargain I made with evil forces on that fateful day in 2013.
When I was writing Lady Bird, I knew I needed a talented young actor to fill the role of Kyle. Luckily, I was able to summon Timmy to the casting room in a matter of minutes. All I had to do was focus really hard on making him think “My absolute dream role is a one-dimensional, brooding high schooler named Kyle.” And poof, just like that I had my star!
Of course, I’ve conditioned Timmy to accept any role I pitch him. Without the power of mind control, I would have been forced to cast some loser like Ansel Egort as Laurie in Little Women. Luckily, I can literally control everything Timothée does, so this was a nonissue. I just rubbed my temples and muttered some key words, and suddenly he was marching into my office, already dressed in a waistcoat and and a ruffled shirt and ready to break hearts across the country in his climactic proposal scene. It’s just such a handy skill to have in my back pocket!
If I had any soul left, of course, I would try to usurp control of Bill Murray’s mind from Wes Anderson. But hey, you can’t win ‘em all.