“So long as my email address still ends in .edu, it’s really not an issue,” said Harrington, rummaging through a sea of half-eaten pizza boxes and unopened condoms to point to his trophy for longest keg stand. “I’ll probably cut back as soon as they call my name… I just hope I don’t puke on the dean again.”

“It’s basically an honors thesis,” added Harrington, sucking down a Narragansett like his diploma depended on it. “I’m gathering empirical evidence on how many shots it takes before I black out in different conditions. Whippets bring the number down by two, but poppers make the threshold higher. Science is cool!”

At press time, Harrington pressed a wet rag to a pledge’s face and dumped a can of Four Loko over him so he could finally understand the taste of tradition.