“At first, he really had me convinced-” started Shawn, baa-ing from anger between almost every word. “We would hang out for hours outside, me frolicking in the fields, him prodding me with his stick. But then I realized he actually spent the whole time softly caressing my wool. And now that I think about it, he’s never even made eye contact with me. He’s always staring at my perfect curls. What a jerk!”

“I should’ve known something was off when he started bringing a pair of shears every time he asked to hang out. In the beginning, I thought he was just accidentally chopping off parts of my coat, but then, as the patches started getting more and more frequent, that’s when I knew something was up,” Shawn said, his freshly shorn body shaking in anger. “Next thing I knew, I was literally naked and, according to Snake MacDonald over here, ‘market ready.’”

At press time, a dog was convinced his owner only likes him because he brings the ball back.