“I always feel an uneasy feeling like someone is watching me whenever I study in the Hay,” said student Miranda Stevens, unaware that this feeling is not actually paranoia because the arousing depiction of George Washington has been judging Stevens on her true American values. “I don’t know, I can’t shake the sense that I’m not patriotic or honest enough when I’m in here.”

“Whenever I look up at that foxy George Washington bust, I feel so ashamed of myself,” continued Stevens after finding herself confessing to her father about the cherry tree she cut down with her hatchet as a child. “I don’t know, sometimes it feels like his presence is not only bewitching because of his sexiness but also in an aurora of judgment.”

At press time, the charming portrait of Rockefeller holding his dog in the Rock beckons students to give him a chance like a playful Tinder photo.