“She really has a whole set up going there,” said freshman Paul Michaelson of Tess Palmer. “She had a table big enough for Jesus and his twelve apostles. Except in this case it was just her, her coffee, her banana, her laptop.”

“We sort of wanted to ask her to move, but as we got closer, this really strong light just hit her out of nowhere”, Michaelson reported of the holy Biblical light which shone upon Palmer as she scrolled through Depop at her king-size table. “The table was huge though, like 13 holy men could have easily sat on one side of it together, completely unaware that one was about to betray another with a kiss. Hypothetically speaking, of course”.

At press time, the ceiling of the Arch-Bron basement was leaking for forty days and forty nights.