“I do kickflips and switch ollies all the time,” reported Kang, clutching his mint-condition skateboard under his arm instead of riding it. “I would totally show you a trick right now, but I twisted my ankle doing a backside half-cab pop shove-it in the Power Street parking lot, so you’ll have to see me shred another day.”

According to multiple sources, Kang has rarely been spotted on his skateboard while it’s in motion. However, he continues to carry it with him everywhere he goes, ensuring that anyone who crosses his path can admire his carefully curated collage of deck stickers.

“I know that some people just skateboard to look cool,” added Kang, who only rides his skateboard on extremely flat surfaces and for extremely short periods of time. “But that’s not me. I ride with reason, and I hope that those posers can learn to do the same.”

At press time, the film camera hanging around Kang’s neck was no more practical than his pearl choker.