“That’s not right,” said Evett, who grew up in a socially conservative household, as he began to feel a desire to be physically close to another male student. Scared that he was scared of feeling something stronger than platonic admiration for another man, sources report that Evett shook his head and tried to get back to work.

“I should be doing homework,” Evett, who always attended schools with a culture of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ said to himself later, after he caught himself envisioning Calen sitting beside him on his apartment’s couch. “I need to start my American Presidency essay.”

“Or at least my readings,” blurted out Evett, who is openly accepting of homosexuality but can only accept himself as straight, after realizing he was imagining Calen lounging on his bed studying with him. Sources close to Evett speculated that his exposure to negative representations of homosexuality throughout his upbringing has instilled an unconscious homophobia that would never allow him to act on his feelings, at least without intense feelings of guilt and shame.

When reached for comment, Evett blushed and said he didn’t have any.