“I haven’t moved from my spot since 5 AM. See right up there? That’s where the ball is going to drop,” giggled Dawn Devers, who also hadn’t changed her diaper since 5 AM. “I can’t believe it’s almost 2025! This is gonna be my year, baby! And I’m celebrating right here, at the biggest party in the world, in the Big Apple.”

“My resolution is to maximize my productivity in this precious time I’ve been given,” continued Devers, who had spent her entire day standing in a shoulder-to-shoulder crowd all peeing in adult diapers. “And everything is going to change in…two minutes! Feel the energy, the hope, the power in this crowd! Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else to ring in the New Year.”

“To 2024, I say thank you for all the joys and trials that have led me to where I am today. And to 2025, I just have to say: Wow, I am so excited to see what you have in store for me,” said Devers, peeing a little bit more in her day-old dirty diaper. “3…2…1…Happy New Year! Woohoo!”

At press time, getting blackout drunk on your birthday was undoubtedly the best way to honor the beautiful, delicate process of growing older.