“I’ll take the eggplant parmesan unbreaded, uncooked, lukewarm, and without any parmesan,” ordered stepmom Patricia Jennings while tracing the rim of her first glass of sauvignon blanc. “And please, please tell the chef absolutely no gluten. I’m severely allergic. Trust me, the woman on the reels told me I was. One bite of the gluten and I swell up like a dog in heat. Not a cute dog either.”

“I mean, everyone knows one little bite doesn’t hurt,” said Patricia later with cake frosting smeared across her lips and a third glass of wine slurped down the hatch. “It’s just a carrot cake. I mean, the word ‘carrot’ is key. That’s a vegetable. It’s a vegetable cake—basically a salad that leans more crouton. You seriously can’t tell me a salad isn’t good for me!”

At press time, a fourth glass of wine led Patricia to chug a gallon of seed oil.