“They had nothing to their names. It’s incredible that those people were able to get by,” stated Jammer as he tore off a few squares of toilet paper in preparation for blowing his nose. “I mean, they had to be resourceful in order to survive. I understand that. We all have to fight to keep going.”

“It takes an exceptionally strong, resilient person to get through tough times like those. I would know,” said Jammer as he stole some extra pieces of toilet paper for later from the public bathroom. “Those poor people were making soup out of ketchup. Bravery and inner fortitude. I can tell you, that’s the key.”

At press time, Jammer was feeling like a Golden Age railroad tycoon after he used one of those fancy tissues infused with lotion.