“I can’t believe I didn’t get this last year to spend with all of my friends,” said Miller, who plans to move in with all of her friends in a spacious Williamsburg loft this summer, and who will exclusively attend parties hosted by her classmates who also moved to Brooklyn. “I’ll never have that sense of closure. It sucks.”

“I never got to go to the GCB,” she continued, pretending like she won’t go to comparable bars in Brooklyn three or four nights a week until she’s in her mid to late twenties. “I wanted to know what that was like, but now I never will.”

“I’m about to be all on my own in the real world,” she lamented, apparently forgetting that her wealthy parents will continue to pay her rent until she finds a job that can pay for the exact lifestyle she led in college, but in Brooklyn now. “It will be so different, and so scary.”

At press time, Miller was mourning the loss of commencement like she’s not going to come to every single class reunion until she’s 50.