“I’ve had her for four years, ever since that wild night freshman year when I got a little drunk and booked an appointment at Rockstar Body Piercing,” said Michaels, looking fondly at the nose ring. “It was nice while it lasted, but it’s time to start getting serious. That means that it’s the end of the road for this old gal and me.”

“I took out my belly button ring six months ago. That was hard, but it was her time to go,” said Michaels, adjusting her cap and sorrowfully laying the ring in a decorated wooden box. “It’s the end of an era. Goodbye fun, artistic Sarah, and hello corporate asset Sarah.”

“After this, I’m also starting to cover up my wrist tattoo,” said Michaels, sporting a button down instead of her usual sheer crop top. “My mother taught me to hide it with foundation. I thought she was gonna be judgmental, but it turns out she had to do the same thing when she settled down and had kids.”

“Post-graduation, I’m going to dye my hair back to it’s natural color,” stated Michaels as she booked a hair appointment at a real salon instead of the Supercuts. “I’ve loved the neon green, but I don’t think that’s going to be allowed on my security I.D. badge for my investment banking job.”

At press time, Michaels had declared her switch from White Claws to Chardonnay.