Sunday, September 25, 2022
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The Brown Noser

Kennedy Compton


Kennedy's articles

Friend Returning From $30,000 Internship Sends Venmo Request For Bite Of Sandwich | Sep 16 2022

After making $30,000 at his summer internship, junior Mark Bernard has reportedly requested payment for the bite Susan Marshall took of his sandwich. “He told me it was $2.50,” said Marshall, angrily staring at her Venmo. "Then, he asked me to send $.50 for using his napkin, like he didn’t just make tens of thousands of dollars working at McKinsey.” At press time, Bernard was seen sending a CashApp request for using his restroom.

Student's Bong Actually Decorative Vase, Claims Student | Sep 16 2022

After an unfortunate run-in with her Resident Advisor, sophomore Marissa Janette claimed that her bong is actually a decorative vase. “Look! It’s perfect for flowers,” Janette said, gesturing toward the bong. "It’s just a pretty accessory where I can store things. I’ve never even smoked.” At press time, Janette was seen vaping, or, as she recalls “sucking on her USB drive.”

Dad’s Favorite Comedian Just Sexist | Sep 16 2022

Thirty seconds into the start of local dad Ben Lingerman’s favorite comedy special, it became clear that comedian Ronny Scuttleman is just sexist. “Don’t you hate it when a woman tries to talk to you?” Scuttleman said as Lingerman chuckled.