Sunday, June 4, 2023
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The Brown Noser

Kennedy Compton


Kennedy's articles

Student Puts On Cap and Gown, Permanently Removes Nose Ring | May 12 2023

Reports indicate senior Sarah Michaels has put on her cap and gown and permanently taken out her nose ring. “I’ve had her for four years, ever since that wild night freshman year when I got a little drunk and booked an appointment at Rockstar Body Piercing,” said Michaels, looking fondly at the nose ring.

Final Unexpectedly Hard For Girl Who Hasn’t Been to Class the Whole Semester | May 12 2023

Despite never attending class this semester, reports indicate Marissa Lance found the final unexpectedly hard. “Yeah, I don’t know any of this stuff,” said Lance trying to remember which lab section she was in, “to be honest I thought this was going to be mostly true or false questions.

New SHAG Course Teaches Women to Effectively Fake Orgasm | May 12 2023

SHAG has reportedly just started a new course teaching women to fake their orgasms. “Gone are the days of simply squeezing the bed sheets,” said SHAG leader Mona Richards, “this new course introduces you to advanced techniques. We want women to feel confident in their fake orgasms.

Party “Bouncer” Just Adolescent Boy With Wide Spread Legs | May 12 2023

According to reports from a party, the bouncer is just a young boy with his legs spread apart. “A lot of people will try to get in off the list,” said James Conway with both edges of his feet touching the door frame, “but no one gets past me.” “People try to go over, under, left, right,” said Conway stretching his arms out to the frame, “It’s all pointless, I’m impenetrable.” “It’s about safety,” said Conway, standing at 5’ 10’’ 87.5 pounds, “Without me, chaos would ensue.

Film Sadder in French | Apr 14 2023

According to recent reports, bro comedy film “Two Guys and Boobs” is sadder in French. “They just don’t make breast jokes like this anymore,” said local bro Noel James, chuckling and grabbing his pseudo-boobs as he watched the English version of the “Two Guys and Boobs.” “It does not get better than tits––I mean this!” Upon watching the same film in French, James had a much different reaction to the movie that gives more screen time to boobs than any female character.

Handshake Incredibly Wet | Apr 14 2023

Area woman’s Handshake with friend was incredibly wet. “It was almost unbelievably wet,” recalls Sarah Johnson, drying her hand with a paper towel, “not even moist, just…sopping.” “First time I thought the bathroom was out of paper towels,” said Johnson recounting previous run ins with her friend’s wet hands, “but this has been happening for months, and he’s just getting wetter.” “This last time his hand just slipped right out of mine,” said Johnson, now wiping her hands on her jeans, “It’s got to be a safety hazard at this point, they’re dripping enough to leave behind puddles.” At press time, area man left chair incredibly warm after getting up..

CS TA Union Busted With Promise of Premium Discord Subscriptions | Feb 18 2023

Through a series of concerted efforts, the CS TA Union has finally been busted with the promise of premium discord subscriptions. “It all started when Professor Mike approached me with what he called ‘an offer I couldn’t refuse,’” said Ricky Malone, a young TA.

Uh Oh, Professor Was Not Trying To Play Footsie | Feb 18 2023

Thirty seconds too late, student Jenny Dunks realized her professor was not trying to play footsie. “I was finished with my test and bored and Professor Helms’ foot kept kicking my desk leg,” said Dunks, confused by her professor’s signals.

Movie Would Be Better If Dog Talked | Feb 18 2023

According to sources, area man Josh Gruff thinks a movie would be better if the dog talked. “I don’t know, there was just something missing,” said Gruff following a viewing of the heart-wrenching new film about abject poverty Triste Pauvreté.

Movie Would Be Better If Dog Talked | Feb 18 2023

According to sources, area man Josh Gruff thinks a movie would be better if the dog talked. “I don’t know, there was just something missing,” said Gruff following a viewing of the heart-wrenching new film about abject poverty Triste Pauvreté.

Campus Photographer To Make School Look 200x More Diverse | Dec 16 2022

Campus photographer Arnie Shaws reported that most of his job consists of making this school appear way more diverse than it actually is. “I snap a quick photo of the first Black student I see and trail behind them until they reach their next destination, assuming they’ll take me to the most diverse areas on campus,” said Shaws.

Student Lets Out Unconvincing “Ohhh” After Failing To Understand Explanation A Third Time | Oct 31 2022

After the exaggerated “ohhh” that left student John Berry’s mouth, it was clear he did not understand the explanation. “First he crossed his arms, leaned back and said ‘hmmm’ like he was thinking, but he held that position for too long to be convincing,” said Berry’s Calculus TA Susie Knowlings.

Student Who “Read An Article On This” Actually Watched TikTok | Oct 31 2022

Despite claiming to have read an article on this, Rodney Wilson has actually just watched a TikTok video. “Here are the top five things I would never try to sneak into Disneyland,” start- ed Wilson to his friends, “according to the New York Times...” “You guys won’t believe these secrets to a flat tummy and a fat dumpy that the Wall Street Journal just published,” he exclaimed to side eyes from his clique, all of whom have become aware of Wilson’s miscrediting “from a registered dietician.” “I’m writing a research paper, and the essay topic is cognitive development from birth to age five,” he explained, “I don’t see how ‘8 Things Bill Gates Did As A Baby’ is irrelevant information, especially when it comes from The Post.” At press time, another student who “loved that book” had actually just seen the movie..

If Want To Enter Thee, Solve These Riddles Three, Who Here Have You Perceived, Brother Brad, Chad, or Steve? by Chet of Aragorn | Oct 31 2022

It’s Brad you say you’ve encountered before, then just two more trials ‘fore you pass through the door. Have you come empty-handed or bearing great gifts? A case or a bottle? A blunt or a spliff? Brought with you eight Natty’s, half a pint of Everclear.

Friend Returning From $30,000 Internship Sends Venmo Request For Bite Of Sandwich | Sep 16 2022

After making $30,000 at his summer internship, junior Mark Bernard has reportedly requested payment for the bite Susan Marshall took of his sandwich. “He told me it was $2.50,” said Marshall, angrily staring at her Venmo. "Then, he asked me to send $.50 for using his napkin, like he didn’t just make tens of thousands of dollars working at McKinsey.” At press time, Bernard was seen sending a CashApp request for using his restroom.

Student's Bong Actually Decorative Vase, Claims Student | Sep 16 2022

After an unfortunate run-in with her Resident Advisor, sophomore Marissa Janette claimed that her bong is actually a decorative vase. “Look! It’s perfect for flowers,” Janette said, gesturing toward the bong. "It’s just a pretty accessory where I can store things. I’ve never even smoked.” At press time, Janette was seen vaping, or, as she recalls “sucking on her USB drive.”

Dad’s Favorite Comedian Just Sexist | Sep 16 2022

Thirty seconds into the start of local dad Ben Lingerman’s favorite comedy special, it became clear that comedian Ronny Scuttleman is just sexist. “Don’t you hate it when a woman tries to talk to you?” Scuttleman said as Lingerman chuckled.