“Having spent the last four weeks studying my parents’ facial expressions, attending Grandma’s life skill lectures, and being tested by my conservative uncles, a full schedule of early morning STEM courses is exactly what I need,” Richard Jackson ‘28 said with a haunted stare behind otherwise curious eyes. “And after sharing a bathroom with my high school brother for a month, the fungus-covered showers of my communal dorm bathroom are practically immaculate.”

“Being a freshman, I was worried that once I got home, I wouldn’t want to come back to Brown,” Richard explained, joyously bounding up the steps of the Rock to calm himself with a couple of problem sets. “But as soon as I walked into my hometown bedroom and it didn’t smell pungently of cologne, sweat, and Coors Light, I was restless to get back to Providence. When I finished a drink, my parents expected me to throw the bottle into a trashcan rather than on the floor. Who do they think they are?”

At press time, Richard was calmly falling asleep to the sound of the Thayer motorcycles.