“It’s really an astounding number of crucial body parts stolen,” said report coauthor Dr. Will Bearzansky, wrinkling his nose at the thought. “It remains unclear where these uncles stash the stolen noses after clutching them in their fists and waving them around. There must be a vast stockpile somewhere.”

“These uncles do it with a huge grin on their faces, not even bothering to ask permission before announcing proudly that they’ve ‘got your nose!’” Bearzansky explained, holding his thumb between his index and middle fingers in a crude facsimile of a nose. “Play a game of peekaboo for God’s sake.”

At press time, sources revealed that the nation’s uncles were hoarding $4.3 trillion in quarters behind their nephews’ ears.