Ethan's articles
Crowing at the absence of his longtime rival, Provost Richard Locke, Executive Vice President Russell Carey is overjoyed at his new monopoly over the sending of campus Covid updates.
“It’s finally mine! All mine!” Carey exulted, frantically drafting an email featuring bolded sections and multiple links to healthy.brown.edu.
According to a new report from the American Academy of Pediatrics, goofy uncles possess forty percent of American toddlers’ noses.
“It’s really an astounding number of crucial body parts stolen,” said report coauthor Dr. Will Bearzansky, wrinkling his nose at the thought.
The party life of Brown University is entirely reliant on the fact that people have birthdays, according to a recent report.
“Yeah, I didn’t really have plans for this Friday night,” said sophomore Kiko Reyes, grateful that society celebrates the anniversary of one’s birth so that he can get shit-faced in a basement on any given weekend night.
Unbeknownst to him, this winter break will reportedly be the last time Elias Berman ‘23 sees his beloved golden retriever before the dog passes away.
“Oliver is my best friend in the whole world. I have no idea what I’d do without him,” Berman exclaimed, not realizing he better figure that out really soon.
According to recent findings, 26-year-old Cameron Era’s only good picture of himself dates to 2015.
“I don’t really take pictures of myself that often, and when I do they don’t turn out great," Era explained as he scrolled through a camera roll of gnarly grimaces and close-mouthed half smiles.
In a testament to the effects of COVID-19, a new report shows that Brown Noser readership is down 70 percent since we are no longer allowed to forcibly hand them to you as you walk around campus. “Foot traffic of our target demographics — ignorant passersby, bored Ratty patrons, curious freshmen — has decreased by over 80 percent since last March,” the report finds.
After reading countless Facebook posts which allege that the coronavirus vaccine implants a tracking chip, local exhibitionist Caroline Gu desperately hopes that these rumors are true.
“God, I hope Bill Gates knows everything I’m up to,” said Gu, writing her social security number in her Instagram bio.
In a series of heated exchanges, the Undergraduate Council of Students and Class Coordinating Board have been feuding over which student organization is less relevant to students’ lives.
“We send out a constant stream of blast emails about virtual game nights and other nonsense that no one reads,” said CCB Treasurer Katrina Hunger ‘21 in an email nobody read.
Following the conclusion of the quiet period last month, the varsity lacrosse team has announced the beginning of a 14-day “loud period,” according to a team statement.
“Lacrosse players won’t be permitted to go a single day without shotgunning a brewsky while in Phase 1,” explained team captain Daniel Leges in an email.
Crowing at his recent accomplishments, Vice President of Campus Life Eric Estes was overjoyed to finally have his name at the bottom of important emails.
“It’s just been so wonderful to see the Estes name get the recognition it deserves,” Estes exclaimed, dancing a little jig.
The Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force will rely on regular testing of students as well as vigorously crossing their fingers to ensure that campus stays open, according to an email sent to all Brown community members.
“Our data-driven response to the evolving public health situation requires continued vigilance, responsible behavior by all members of the community, and a whole lot of dumb luck,” wrote task force co-chair Eric Estes in the statement.
According to eyewitness accounts, two casual acquaintances whose relationship consisted entirely of nodding to each other as they passed on the Main Green have picked up their relationship where it left off in March.
“It was a nice, brief nod with a sharp upward movement,” said Jared Mouthsey, one of the acquaintances.
In light of the cancellation of Ivy League athletic competition, the Brown football team will finally achieve an undefeated season, according to a press release from the athletics department.
“We’re excited to mark this momentous undefeated streak,” said head coach James Perry in front of the team’s empty trophy case in the OMAC.
Even though I really don’t know what’s going on, my life is perfect right now! My tail has literally not stopped wagging in weeks. The world should definitely remember March and April 2020 as the best two months ever, but I’m not sure what’s making it so good.
Starting for the Class of 2024, the Computer Science department has announced that it will require all CS concentrators to take CS 001: Introduction to Social Life.
A preliminary syllabus released by the CS department detailed that course will begin with a unit on time management.
According to sources, the pitching of a large white tent on Simmons Quad is a good omen for the availability of free hors d’oeuvres.
“This must mean that some sort of dignitaries are visiting or an important campus anniversary is being celebrated,” said freshman Ainsley Tomaselli while scanning Today@Brown to find the upcoming event.
President Christina Paxson announced this week that the mid-year graduates of the Class of 19.5 should just let themselves out of the Van Wickle Gates.
“Just spare us the fanfare,” Paxson wrote in a press release. “I’ll be busy in my office, so I’ll leave the gates open for you, if you wouldn’t mind locking them on your way out.”
“We’ll just leave a pile of blank degrees outside Faunce and you can write in your name and concentration,” the press release continued.
Sources report that Josh Baylor ’20 always has to elaborate that his hometown of Marblehead, Massachusetts is “near Boston.”
“I get blank looks whenever I tell people where I’m from, so I just tell everyone it’s near Boston,” Baylor said of Marblehead, a quiet beach town a little under an hour’s drive northeast of the well-known city.
Boastfully recalling his nights of heavy drinking before college, freshman Stewart Dent reportedly rattled off all three of his high school alcohol stories like there’s plenty more.
“Yeah, I hate throwing up,” Dent claimed, based on his single experience of vomiting during his senior year of high school.
Nine year old Andrew Arnewicz was reportedly seen sulking after realizing that his best years are behind him.
“I’ve clearly peaked. Wow, that’s heavy,” Arnewicz said, wallowing in the depths of his existential crisis. “It’s all downhill from here I guess.
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