President Christina Paxson announced this week that the mid-year graduates of the Class of 19.5 should just let themselves out of the Van Wickle Gates.
“Just spare us the fanfare,” Paxson wrote in a press release. “I’ll be busy in my office, so I’ll leave the gates open for you, if you wouldn’t mind locking them on your way out.”
“We’ll just leave a pile of blank degrees outside Faunce and you can write in your name and concentration,” the press release continued.
Sources report that Josh Baylor ’20 always has to elaborate that his hometown of Marblehead, Massachusetts is “near Boston.”
“I get blank looks whenever I tell people where I’m from, so I just tell everyone it’s near Boston,” Baylor said of Marblehead, a quiet beach town a little under an hour’s drive northeast of the well-known city.
Boastfully recalling his nights of heavy drinking before college, freshman Stewart Dent reportedly rattled off all three of his high school alcohol stories like there’s plenty more.
“Yeah, I hate throwing up,” Dent claimed, based on his single experience of vomiting during his senior year of high school.
Nine year old Andrew Arnewicz was reportedly seen sulking after realizing that his best years are behind him.
“I’ve clearly peaked. Wow, that’s heavy,” Arnewicz said, wallowing in the depths of his existential crisis. “It’s all downhill from here I guess.