“It seems obvious in retrospect,” reported Talia Weissenborn, an administrator at NIH. “As we all know, running is capable of conveying a person to a destination in much less time than they would take walking or crawling. However, our research showed some astonishing things: people with sedentary lifestyles are far more likely to be poisoned by toxic waste or crushed by a falling piano that a villain had strung up as a trap. Additionally, people who were capable of running for 30 minutes or more without rest had a reduced risk for being caught by a villain’s flying minions or hit by high-speed projectiles."

“Our rigorous computer simulations show that this new principle applies in all situations, except in the case of running directly toward the villain,” Weissenborn continued. “In that case, the villain actually gets closer to you, which is bad.”

As of press time, the benefits of the study have been largely negated due to the results falling into the hands of the nation’s villains, who now know that running may likewise increase the chance of catching the innocent victim you are chasing.