James's articles
Upon looking over recent updates to his model’s election prediction, statistician and blogger Nate Silver spit out his coffee and violently flung his laptop into the air.
“Well, I guess all bets are off!” his staff reported hearing immediately before witnessing the brand-new MacBook begin traveling in a parabolic trajectory.
Former problem child Mike Hanson has, according to those close to him, grown up to be a problem adult.
Hanson is known to former classmates and teachers as a disruptive class clown with a deep-seated disrespect for authority. Multiple sources report that he loudly demanded to speak to a manager after a cashier refused to allow him to return spoiled milk earlier this week.
Fifteen minutes into his lecture on quarks, Professor Charles Benson’s lecture was derailed by an anecdote that is still going on.
“This reminds me of something my roommate said back at Princeton…” said Benson, at which point exasperated sighs were heard throughout the auditorium.
Emphasizing that the animals were very tall and had sharp teeth, second-grade paleontologists announced at a press conference this afternoon that dinosaurs were big and scary.
A Gallup poll released this week shows that the majority of Americans adamantly refuse to point to the Central Asian nation of Afghanistan on a map when prompted to do so.
The most commonly reported reason for their refusal was: “I’ve pointed to enough things on maps already, isn’t that good enough? And what’s in it for me?”
“I don’t want to point to Afghanistan on a map,” reported Jason Fitzwitz.
Sources at the Department of the Interior confirm that U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell spent the entirety of last Monday morning restocking pinecones that had fallen or been picked from conifer branches in Yosemite National Park.
“I handle a lot of paperwork everyday that gets funding for the parks and keeps loggers and poachers away from them,” reported Jewell as she tended to a Douglas fir.
A Gmail tab that has been open on Kevin Wiley’s laptop for three consecutive months has seen hundreds of other tabs—some good, some bad, and some just misunderstood—come through these parts before being closed with a barely audible click.
The tab, the first one to be opened this semester, has held fast through repeated openings and closings of its fellow pages.
Cocking his head and looking directly at the waitress taking his order, Boston resident Steve Wagner asked if he could replace his cheeseburger’s standard french fries with sweet potato fries like he was some kind of culinary innovator.
“Hey, you know what? Let’s make those sweet potato fries instead,” said Wagner, whose face positively lit up as if he had just voiced a completely original idea.
After decades of field work and intensive research, archaeologists at Cambridge University announced that they believe early man may have lived entirely encased in dirt.
The study, published in Nature after extensive peer-review, postulates that the reason we keep on finding early human fossils and artifacts in the dirt is because that’s where they lived.
A study released by the National Institutes of Health last week indicated that running, an activity long praised for its health benefits, has another, lesser known advantage—a 35-70 percent reduction in the possibility of getting caught by villains.
Preteen residents of Cranston, R.I. expressed admiration on Saturday for local child genius Kevin Costello’s latest invention—a new method of jumping into a thorn bush that leaves the jumper at minimal risk for grievous injury.
“Every year, tens upon tens of people receive minor injuries from jumping into a thorn bush to impress their friends,” Costello said, his face and hands covered in shallow scratches from his most recent test.
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