In my time, I advocated strongly for the separation of church and state, and I believed that forced worship was an affront to God. And that’s great and all. It’s just too bad that all of the ab workouts I did got lost to time. Again, great for the religious freedom and all, but damn, I worked hard on that physique.

I’m not sure where the miscommunication was. I do know that I wrote a few treatises on the liberty of conscience, and those seemed to really stick with people. Maybe I should have been more vocal about the whole abs-of-steel situation, or perhaps published something about them too.

It’s unfortunate that what I consider to be my greatest accomplishment (my absolute washboard of a stomach) wasn’t immortalized along with my other contributions to society. I would have thought that generations to come would have been much more interested in my tight, magnificent abs anyway, but I guess I was wrong. What a terrible loss for us all.

My final hope is that the people of Providence continue to learn from my teachings and ideals as it’s our duty to respect our fellow man. Take with you this one last piece of wisdom: I had an absolutely killer six-pack, and not even God can give you one of those.