“After three months of the system, one thing became clear: our students are almost always slightly sick,” explained Health Services director Vannessa Brito. “Every day we see crazy rates of sore throats, congestion, and chills, and yet our positivity rate has remained low. We are therefore working with Verily to add another option for those students who simply haven’t had any water in the last few weeks.”

“This is also perfect for those students who haven’t had a check-up in a while and are hoping that that full-body ache they’ve had for a while is more of a chronic illness or a result of staying up all night watching TikToks, not the virus. There are many symptoms of COVID and many of them are also just things that happen when you don’t eat any vegetables.”

At press time the University was considering adding another “definitely hungover but have some Pedialyte in the fridge so I’ll be okay” option.