“Our officers have been so overwhelmed by townies sprinting through the airport to reveal their true feelings before their girlfriends’ flights back to their glamorous magazine jobs in the big city,” said assistant administrator Scott Burch, the report’s author. “Our duty as an organization is to protect the nation’s transportation systems and ensure the free movement of people and commerce. Every passenger must therefore follow strict procedures, even if their significant other is about to leave their small hometown for a stable-yet-inattentive fiancé in Manhattan or enroll in a fancy Swiss boarding school.”

Burch also made sure to emphasize the seasonal nature of these security breaches. “Due to the high concentration of holidays, the winter season generally poses the greatest threat to flight safety," he explained. "In the month of December alone, Burlington International Airport reported four cases of men rushing through security to convince their childhood best friends to save a family-owned Christmas tree farm. There was even one instance of a man drawing a crowd and revealing himself to be a prince before proposing. This kind of behavior must stop.”

At press time, Burch dramatically quit his job to attend his daughter’s ballet recital with her attractively-bookish teacher.