“It is totally gross. The paper is all wrinkly and I can barely read it from his crying all over it. Blech!” said Werthers, trying to decipher some sort of meaning out of the smudged and blurred writing.

Stitson spent hours pouring emotion into the letter, which sources report would have been heartbreaking and poetic if his girlfriend had been able to read it. Werthers expressed disappointment that though Stitson’s declarations of love for her were earnest and profound, the tear stains he left all over it rendered them fundamentally illegible.

“Okay here he writes ‘My…lump fur you cod never d…,” said Werthers struggling to read the letter in between the splotches of runny ink. “Oh wait no! It is ‘My love for you could never die.’ I mean why couldn’t he have just emailed me?”

At press time, Stitson started singing a song for Werthers, only a few words of which were distinguishable through his tears.