“This was not an easy decision to make, and there were a lot of really good candidates,” explained Benji Smith, a skinny blonde with curls and glasses, speaking on behalf of united tender boys across the nation. “Your first time is such an intimate and special moment, so it’s very important to choose who you want to share it with carefully. After months and months of deliberation and a lot of debate, we have finally found the one.”

“She is the whole package,” a lovestruck Benji continued, drafting a sweet love letter to the girl who would probably never read it. “5’11, 4-inch platforms, a slick black bob, cigarettes between every finger, she’s exactly our type. And she’s really possessive of us which is good because it means she cares. She’s also been in a lot of relationships which means she’s experienced and can guide us through it all. Sometimes she gets a little angry when she doesn’t get her way, but honestly, us tender boys need someone a bit more assertive, so we think it’s really the perfect match.”

“We are confident that our choice will lead to a drama-free and fruitful relationship,” asserted Benji, laying in a field of grass and pondering the beauty of the world around him with big, baby-deer eyes. “Yes, she never texts first, and yes, we saw her messaging a couple exes, and yeah, she hits us sometimes, but we believe in second chances. We are excited about this decision, and we can’t wait for the future of all tender boys across the nation.”

At press time, wicked boys announced plans to put “7/10 Tinder” as your contact name.