Sometimes there are large competitions where horses must run very fast or jump over various tall things, and these competitions are lots of fun. I enjoy watching them with my human wife, Sarah, who also has two hands and two feet. But I am always sad when the little human is given the medal instead of the horse, who is the real winner because they did all the work.

The horse is probably the most majestic, powerful animal there is. Believe me, I am saying this as a human. I keep my tail tucked away in my pants just like everybody else. They are so smart and brave. You have to be brave if you are going to jump over a pretty tall shrub. Sometimes, there is a hidden puddle behind the shrub, and that can be spooky. But if you are going to be a good horse, you can’t let yourself get too scared of these things. I am a human man, but one can only assume.

Now, as a human, I have spoken to many other humans, and they told me they agree with me. We have tiny, weak bodies and are in no way superior to horses, and we are not deserving of cool medals like they are. I actually don’t like how shiny medals are and think they look better when horses wear them around their big, strong necks.

It is time for us humans to use our opposable thumbs and write a letter to Mr. President. We must tell him we do not agree with the way things are. Please use your human people hands to write letters to get more medals for horses, and please also use them to give nice horses more carrots.