“I knew they never really stopped playing pool when the University was functioning as usual,” said junior Martha Rosenberg, who was surprised to encounter the boys when she noticed a door to Faunce was ajar and went inside. “I’m not sure they know that anything happened since March. They honestly seem like they’ve been playing pool, playfully trash-talking each other, and — I’m not sure how this is possible — eating Blue Room sandwiches with way too much meat on them nonstop for the past seven months.”

“There were four or five of them, taking turns and playing that arcade machine in the back of the room when they weren’t up,” Rosenberg added, noticing that the boys didn’t seem to know that a worldwide pandemic had altered not only University life, but the way the entire world functions. “It was business as usual. They even made sure to take up four or five of the surrounding tables with all their shit so no one else could sit in the area. Apparently they’re 100% oblivious to the fact that no one’s been in the Faunce basement since March.”

At press time, dance groups were somehow still obnoxiously selling tickets in The Blue Room.