“I really came into this year hoping to debut the new me,” said Seamus Beardsman, who had just returned from storming the Capitol. “This was really going to be the year I got in shape, cut back on sweets, and avoided terrorizing government property.”
“I had gotten through the first few days of January just fine,” continued Beardsman, rubbing off a faded ‘DO NOT STORM CAPITOL’ reminder from his hand which he had applied in black Sharpie on New Year’s Day. “January 1st, no storming. January 2nd, no storming. I considered it on January 3rd, but traffic was pretty bad that day so I just sat inside and peddled QAnon conspiracies on Reddit. But then came the 6th and those doors looked so stormable! I guess I’m weak because, the next thing I knew, there I was rooting around Congress and experiencing the sweet bliss of domestic terrorism.”
“I just remember thinking, ‘aw crap!’ as soon as I started rummaging around Nancy Pelosi’s office,” Beardsman went on. “The Beardsman family men are known for their willpower. But as my granddaddy always said: if at first you don’t succeed at not storming the Capitol, try, try again.”
At press time, Beardsman added ‘get off the no-fly list’ to his list of resolutions.