“When I walked by that guy’s room, he had a tissue box really close to his bed,” commented concerned passerby Noah Daphne, eyeing the box of tissues placed directly on his friend’s nightstand. “It was so quaint.”

“There were tissues all wadded up and strewn around the room, and they looked a little crusty too,” continued Daphne, observing tissues littered all over the bed and floor. “Maybe he has seasonal allergies. I think that is very well-prepared of him—when he’s sneezing in his sleep, he doesn’t have to reach too far to clean up his snot!”

“And then I saw a computer on the bed,” added Daphne, noting that the tissue box near the bed was almost empty, while the tissue box near the door was quite full. “Maybe he is a big crier. Sometimes I cry when I watch emotional movies in bed.”

At press time, the man’s internet history was strangely empty.