Jane's articles
Sad reports showed an off-campus senior scrounging for free meal swipes like a crab sweeping the barren seafloor for carcasses.
“Sometimes I get really lucky and my
friend on meal plan happens to be in line,so I’ll sneak in with them,” explained senior David Kim, lurking at the Ratty exit like he’s an undersea vulture waiting for a seafloor victim to drop dead on the spot.
According to a lion translator in the savannahs of Africa, conversations between starving lionesses luckily always pass the Bechdel test.
“We’ve applied the Bechdel test to these lionesses, and they’ve passed with flying colors,” explained senior-level lion conservationist Dave Watson, astounded by these feminist animals who need to kill a whole buffalo or equivalent to feed their sickly, emaciated cubs.
In the heat of the 2024 baseball season, this team could win the World Series, if it weren’t for their batting, fielding, running, and pitching.
“Well, this team is just a gem,” announced ESPN announcer Hurley McKinnon in the team’s home game against their league rival, boasting a 10-43 win-loss record.
In an unfortunate turn of events that turned a humble lunch-preparing session into a fight for survival, a man pries a grape from his dog’s mouth like he’s Bear Grylls brawling with a deadly crocodile.
“Rocco, drop it! You’re going to die!” gasped shirtless owner Andrew Kim as he grappled with his pet dog for a half-eaten grape like he was a seasoned survival expert fighting for his limb against a territorial crocodile in the unforgiving desert.
Walking along the sidewalk, hands deep in their pockets, the local shy boys announced plans to kick the ground and scuffle their feet a little. “Collectively, we are proud to announce our decision to stare very intensely at the ground and kick up dust,” mumbled the group of timid boys as they shuffled their way down the street.
This was your dream, Dad, not mine, remember? Ha! That means I won the game! I correctly matched four of these dreams, but you only got three. I guess my old man has to do a better job at remembering his own dreams. The four dreams I got right were the one where I was sitting in our bathroom, and then your teeth started falling out, and then the one you had about making friends with a fox, and then my stress dream about my telescopes test, and then one where you flew to London to have your wedding.
Much to the chagrin of fellow students, a recent report detailed one greedy student hoarding capped upper-level seminars like they were a miser sitting on jewels worth ten families’ fortunes.
“I fully intend to take all these classes,” explained Bart Hall, currently registered for a 6-person anthropology seminar, two English classes, and two 10-person biology classes despite not being an anthropology, english, nor biology major, much like how a scrooge might stash away gems galore that are worth more than a whole generation’s accumulated wealth.
Sigh, sometimes I feel really down in the dumps, and I feel like I’m so annoying and ugly, and no one will ever like me. I don’t know what it is about me, but I feel like no one’s ever been interested in me, and everyone I get close to just pulls away.
Confused sources report that the undergraduate health career peer advisors are holding office hours like they know how to get into med school.
“I love being a health career peer advisor because it allows me to impart knowledge about this stressful process to those who are feeling lost,” said sophomore Molly Darvish, who has yet to see even one med school acceptance.
Upon careful listening of Nat King Cole’s hit song “L-O-V-E,” melomaniacs have announced that “V is very, very extraordinary” is a really lazily written lyric when you think about it.
“He’s had us all fooled for ages because of that clever acrostic setup,” exclaimed audiophile Alex Story after listening to the hit single.
After analyzing the habits of college students nationwide, a new study reports that sleeping together while sharing one flat pillow under a sweaty blanket on a plastic mattress is the ultimate sign of true love. “Years of research and testing have answered the age-old question of how to truly encapsulate love,” said researcher Hore Neeteen, who has studied the signs of love since plastic dorm mattresses have existed.
Following rumours about the class yearbook’s superlatives, sources report that letters L, M, N, O, and P were a notoriously toxic clique in high school. “They were so exclusive,” said K, secretly jealous that he just missed the cut off to be part of their friend group.
Much to everyone’s disbelief, a groundbreaking Brown Daily Herald poll shockingly reveals that 50% of the student body consists of freshmen and sophomores.
“Our fastidious reporters were sent out to all four corners of the Brown University campus to poll over 7000 undergraduates, and we were astonished by our findings,” reported poll coordinator Sebastian Piao, positively sweating at the spike in viewership the BDH will receive after releasing this stat.
In a statement released to the general public last Wednesday, the nation’s canine population announced they are going to stoically stare into oncoming cars while excreting their entire breakfast onto the curb.
“It is indeed moments like these that are paradoxically full of chaos but also brimming with serenity, that we find our true selves,” sighed leader of the nation’s dogs Fido Coco-Fuzzy as he pushed to move his bowels on the side of the street as cars zoomed past.
Sources report that, unfortunately, this stupid fish still hasn’t learned from all of its dead friends and family that the worm attached to a metal hook is not real food.
“Oh my god, look at that gnarly, juicy worm,” exclaimed Mr Sammy Phisher, somehow unaware that the worm was attached to a concerningly sharp metal hook that was 10 times bigger than the worm and could perhaps result in death.
In recent news, Jocelyn Monroe ‘24 is wondering if posting her situationship’s shoe is too significant of an announcement for what they are.
“Because I’m like, definitely not single, right,” said Monroe, carefully cropping a selfie of her and her current romantic affiliation so that her Instagram followers will only see her and a vague toe of a Converse shoe.
Reports show that Daniel Park ‘25 is eating dinner with his friend group only thirty minutes after he ate lunch to avoid eating alone.
“Look, total props to people who eat alone, there’s nothing wrong with eating alone,” said Park, knowing full well he would rather walk into a bonfire than eat alone during the Sharpe Refectory 6:30PM dinner rush.
Hey, I’ve never asked you for your opinion once ever in my life, but I desperately need it now. I’m having the toughest time deciding between these three internship opportunities for this summer and I feel like you would be able to help me out. The first one’s in New York and they cover housing and food and also it’s super prestigious but it’s in New York and New York is so big and I’ve never been there! The second one is in my hometown, which is great because then I won’t have to pay for housing—and they are giving me a 10k stipend.
POINT: In like a lion, out like a lamb.
Ahh, won’t you just stand still for a minute and take a long, deep breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Isn’t this spring air invigorating?
Think about the beginning of the month—freezing rain, cloudy days, no sun whatsoever.
Sources report that the statement “close, but no cigar,” was uttered by a man who was just given a cigarette.
“I understand that some individuals might find them to be similar, or even the same,” said Harold Browinger, thinking about how if this was given to him in celebration of a baby’s birth, the parents must be celebrating either the birth of a rat or an extremely premature human.
Sources report that a toddler crossing the street is dangerously milking this walk sign.
“Cross, cross!” exclaimed toddler Noah Hernandez, his steps so miniscule that the walk sign countdown will most definitely reach zero before he makes it across even half the street.
Sources report that this biology concentrator is just in it for the naked people in the textbook.
“Ooh hoo hoo,” said student Lucas Healey, sitting in front of the newest edition of Essential Biology open to the chapter on reproduction. “Look, it’s a naked lady!”
“Oh my God, look at his pecs!” continued Healey, thankful that these illustrations meant that he could look at softcore porn without having to clear his internet search history.
Sources report that Charles Fletchley, a professor known to beat students with sticks and imprison TAs in the catacombs of the department office received a meek “mixed reviews” according to the Critical Review.
“Students’ opinions on Professor Fletchley were a mixed bag,” reported the Critical Review, pointedly ignoring the 50 reviews from students claiming that Fletchley publicly humiliated and smacked a student with a massive plank of bark for coming ten minutes late to lecture.
Unable to shake their giddy smiles, the Brown Facilities Management recently announced plans to replace broken laundry machines with washboards and clotheslines. “We believe that this is the perfect initiative to work toward a greener and more environmentally conscious community,” wrote Director of Facilities Management Joseph Belford in an email to the Brown community, adding that the changes include students traipsing down to the Providence River with a metal pail for water and a rag that used to be part of grandma’s apron.
Sources report that area girl Sarah Miller is ignoring her BeReal because she’s not yet at a party. “Oh, I got a BeReal notification! I love how this app allows people to share their lives without the fakeness of Instagram and stuff,” said Miller, knowing full well she won’t take her BeReal until surrounded by acquaintances and bathed in colored light.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
