“He started off commenting on my playing,” said right fielder Derby Caldwell. “But he’d never say anything helpful, just that I was too slow. Plus, he only calls me ‘Tubs.’”

Though players at first thought Wrigley’s harsh coaching style was an attempt to shock the team into doing what it needed to get better, the Tornadoes are beginning to suspect that Wrigley is just a terrible person who vents his frustration on a group of teenagers.

“He curses at us,” said former shortstop Mickey Lewis. “A lot. I used to think it showed how passionate he was, but then I realized he’s just an asshole.”

At press time, Wrigley was delivering a trademark locker room speech to his team.

“If I’m hard on you all,” he said, “It’s because I hate you. Each and every one of you. Personally.”