“It’s obvious that the secrets of nature lie in the depths of that hole,” reported natural botanist Natalia Bibbs PhD ’12 in a recent lecture. “No tree so knobbly and twisted could have anything less than a 180 IQ.”

The intelligence of other vegetation was apparent to experts. Ferns and anything that produced fruit sat at the top of the list, while dim-witted root vegetables and feebleminded birch trees — which obviously get by on their smooth, fair complexion — ranked near the bottom.

“The wide trees have deep voices, and the willowy ones with all the hanging branches are definitely street-smart, but only the trees with holes are actually wise,” continued Bibbs, reading from her notes. “But the hole can’t be down by the roots, it has to be eye-level, where the tree’s face would be.”

At press time, Bibbs’ research confirmed that streams have a sense of humor, while rivers are much more stoic.