“It is unclear whether an executive order can actually accomplish what Trump is setting out to accomplish here,” remarked White House Advisor Cecil Roans, instructing interns to cross out “Canada” on all maps around the capitol with Sharpies. “But he has made his message clear. One way or another, Trump will get his way. We will make it clear that Canada is nothing more than a quaint and rather dapper accessory to the great country that is America.”

“Canada is our hat. They can’t take that away from us,” said President Trump when asked for comment, adding that he will consider Canada’s alternative suggestions of “Beret of America” or “Maple Syrup Land.” “We will make the world know where our hat lies.”

At press time, Trump announced plans to meet with Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum to rename Mexico to “Boots of America.”