“I was blessed to have received this pole, which I had previously used to shoo away alligators or punish my child,” said Turney Jankings, a local resident with a crazed look in his eyes. “I was aware of its length—two feet exactly—long before I had even considered sticking it in my river.”

“My river, see, that’s another story. It weaves through my backyard,” he said, twisting his body to imitate the river. “I had to know, see, its depth.”

“And the pole. Was perfect. It made me squeal with delight. It made me squeal like a little pig or girl even,” he said as his head expanded to twice its normal size. “I must explore. Other two-foot things. With my two-foot pole.”

At press time, an arm was perfect measuring a wall the length of an arm.