“It’s such a terrible temporality to exist in. The Netflix, Youtube, and Hulu icons are all right there, tempting us,” said Jenna Lopez, gazing wistfully up at a nearby TV which has been displaying the exact same screen since 2017. “I’d even settle for History Channel reruns. But no one knows how to get off this Roku screen.”

Students and staff alike report feelings of extreme hopelessness while bathed in the unchanging glow of the TVs. “We wait and wait. And nothing changes. Nothing ever changes,” sighed Ratty chef Mike Parsons, staring at the TV instead of stirring the brown rice pilaf. “I don’t think there’s even a remote. There probably never was one. No option of escape.”

Elsewhere on campus, students finally hearing their names called in the mailroom got a little taste of the sweet embrace of heaven’s pearly gates.