“I’ve read extensively about the mental health crisis on college campuses, and hosting a spin art frisbee booth is by far the most effective intervention,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, ignoring missed calls from overworked CAPS therapists so that he could pour acrylic paint into little squeezy bottles. “At Brown, we never want our students to feel like they’re lacking the resources to achieve mental wellness, which is exactly why we’re supplying them with one or maybe two spin art frisbees at absolutely no cost.”

Working tirelessly to improve Brown’s mental health resources, the administration has already made impressive progress in their spin art frisbee booth planning. Last week, they fired one of three CAPS therapists so that they could hire a spin art specialist who has experience working with glitter.

“Do we think a free frisbee is a perfect substitute for comprehensive care? Of course not,” said Estes, approving plans to turn the recently-fired CAPS therapist’s office into a craft room. “But a free frisbee that you can decorate with vibrant, helical designs? That stuff works better than Zoloft.”

At press time, Brown’s administration responded to students’ concerns over rising meal plan prices by giving everyone a coupon for one free appetizer at the Dave & Buster’s in Providence Place.