As stated above, all appeared normal to the eyes. But to the ears, something wasn't quite right-something essential was missing to the V-Dub atmosphere. As time passed, the sound grew more and more horrifying until my ears were experiencing Dante's Ninth Circle of Hell. Apparently, the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall DJ-of FishCo and SexPowerGod fame-removed Coldplay from the rotation. It is a commonly accepted fact that every person entering the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall does so with faith in a tacit agreement with the DJ. That is, within a thirty-minute period, one of the following Coldplay songs-The Scientist, Yellow, In My Place, Clocks, Trouble, or Speed of Sound-will grace one's ears with their presence.

Brown students, hungry for delicate, semi-acoustic, beautiful pop-rock that is certainly sensitive, but not overdone whatsoever, did not get their Coldplay. Students began to protest. They filled the V-Dub bulletin board with complaints, but their voices were not heard. Chaos ensued. A group of students threw the dessert table through the glass by the bar-style seating and rushed behind it into the courtyard. One diner urinated in the card reader. Another shaved the pit boss's moustache with a butter knife. A pair of students replaced the PAM spray bottles with an aerosol adhesive, dooming a multitude of frustrated students to eat burnt crumbs of malted waffle the next day.

The scene in this apocalyptic basement of hell formerly known as the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall is not likely to calm down anytime soon. The Administration urges students to ""stay as far as possible from the scene, unless stopping by for a quick bite at a nearby frozen chicken and pizza vending machine."" The V-Dub DJ has made efforts to cheer crowds with some of his regular hits. Unfortunately, without the staple of Coldplay, Natalie Imbruglia, Creed, and The Fray don't stand a chance."