We Need More Women-Empowering Comedy So From Now On I Will Only Write Headlines About Bras

Published Friday, September 13th, 2019
Filed under Opinion

Tina Fey. Kristen Wiig. Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer. These are all inspiring women who have, at one point or another, made a joke about bras. I am also going to start making jokes about bras, and nothing else. I’ll have every man in this country rethinking the sentiment “Women aren’t funny” after I bombard them with my highly-specific, feminist satire that is only about bras.

What better way to empower women through satire than to highlight something that so many of us experience: bras? Subverting this facet of the female experience into something to laugh at is a very important task—so important that it’s literally all I will do satire-wise until I graduate in 2021. Seriously. It’s bra content as far as the eye can see, folks.

I’m thrilled to report that I have started stockpiling bra headlines to last me through my next two years at The Noser. The growing list includes such sure-fire hits as “Asshole Strapless Bra Gonna Head On Down To Torso,” “Underwire Just Itching To Escape,” and “Victoria’s Secret Offers Semi-Semi-Semi-Semi Annual Sale Every Two Days Now.” And, hey, I’m no hero. Just a funny lady trying to make jokes about bras.

Look, I get it. Maybe not everyone wants to read jokes about bras. Maybe this is a little awkward. But we can’t break the glass ceiling unless we push the envelope, and for me that means creating an endless stream of bra-related, Onion-style fake news headlines to be published in The Brown Noser until my tenure here is done.

With all this in mind, I know what you’re going to ask: will I also write headlines about tampons? The answer is no. Only bras. I thought I made that clear.