“As a weak young woman, I usually feel unsafe walking alone at night,” said Kim, who frequently entrusts her well-being to a random pair of feeble undergraduates. “However, when I’m escorted by a SafeWalk team of two girls who are even weaker and younger than me, I feel invincible! The toughest motorcyclist on Thayer couldn’t even take us down!”

Kim reports that she has never encountered a serious threat during the nightly hikes to her dorm, which she believes is the result of her extremely weak and young SafeWalkers scaring off any potential assailants with their intimidating nature and extremely yellow vests.

“This one time, a nearby bush was really rustling,” said Kim, who seriously wonders how she will ever walk alone at night once she’s out of college and without SafeWalk assistance. “We all thought that someone was about to attack us, but it was just a squirrel. I don’t know what my SafeWalkers would have done if it wasn’t a medium-sized rodent, but I’m positive they would’ve had the situation under control given their weakness and youngness.”

At press time, a student with weak writing skills was being tutored by a Writing Fellow with even weaker writing skills.