Can I offer you a corn chip? Yes, those are two empty bags of corn chips on the floor next to the bedside table. Alas, there is a third under my pillow. Go ahead, take one. Don’t be shy. It tastes strange? That’s because it’s poisoned! Haha, just joshing, dear friend. What you’re tasting, weary traveler, is but a hint of lime.

Ah, I see you’ve found a patch of carpet to stand on. The clothes won’t bite. Yes, some of these underwear have been on this floor longer than you’ve been alive, young one. Hanes. Fruit of the Loom. Calvins. Target Brand. I’ve collected them all. All worn once and never to be worn again.

Well, while you’re here, how’d you like a short tour? Here is a very large pile of clementine peels. Every one of them Sweeties! Vitamin C is coursing through my ancient decrepit veins as we speak! Yes, I could clean them up. But isn’t it exciting to watch the build up? Here is a lone crumpled dollar bill. How did it get there? What was it for? There are mysteries of this place that even I can’t explain. This is a stain. This is another stain. Feel free to make your own. Get creative!

I’m afraid I can’t let you leave, young explorer. Nobody who sets eyes on this place, this valhalla, has never emerged to tell the tale. I’ll only let you leave if you can locate my iPhone 5C!