To those who ask why I wear floaties all the time? The answer is quite obvious. This evil world is saturated with so much sin, to the point that the deluge may arrive at any time! And I would look like a real holy fool if I took my floaties off for just a moment, only for the great flood to arrive at that moment and catch me off guard.

I can sense the great flood is soon upon us. All you who doubted me will spend your dying breaths telling me I was right all along. You’ll be looking around frantically for a lifeguard who will never come – all the lifeguards will be too busy trying to rescue billions of other nonbelievers. You’ll all rue the day you pointed and laughed at my floaties. You’ll wish you realized that $15 at Walmart is a small price to pay to be spared on the day of reckoning.