“We have reason to expect a high risk of exposure to E. Coli from romaine lettuce,” Gottlieb told reporters, explaining the FDA’s conclusion that romaine is not currently safe to consume. “We know this because we instructed our agents to begin defecating in the lettuce several months ago. That’s on us.”

While a low degree of contamination is not dangerous, the FDA has detected heightened levels of fecal matter in samples of romaine lettuce ever since the decision was made to begin shitting in them, Gottlieb explained in the press conference.

“I repeat: you should avoid eating romaine lettuce for the time being,” Gottleib added, emphasizing the severe effects of E. coli infections. “Consuming any romaine currently in stores is likely to make you sick. We made sure of that.”

At press time, disappointed salad eaters across the nation had to settle for baby spinach.