“How no one had snagged this yet really beats me,” reported Schmidt, already reclining upon the couch which all of its previous owners had had sex on. “Sure, it’s sagging in some areas and has a couple stains, but it’s super comfy. Wow what a find!”

“It’s really going to liven up my house next year,” Schmidt said of the couch, which the owners had to put a sheet on to cover wine and beer stains.

Friends of Schmidt told reporters that the couch had a mild but gross smell to it. They added that the left cushions supports no weight, and people sink to the springs when they sit on it.

At press time, Schmidt was also in talks with Rodriguez to purchase her dented kitchen table, scratchy twin-bed comforter, and mugs she had gotten for free from various career fairs during her time at Brown.