Tuesday, July 17, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Kate Talerico

Writer

Kate's articles

Area Woman Still Weirdly Into John Green Novels | Apr 20 2018

Revealing that Looking for Alaska had provided the inspiration for her manic pixie dream girl personality traits, area woman Sarah Byers admitted Wednesday that she is still weirdly into John Green novels. “I would say these books were my middle school sexual awakening,” Byers told reporters Wednesday in anticipation of the author’s next predictable novel, which will feature a woman that beckons a quirky but straight-laced teenager into a midnight adventure that will leave him forever changed.

Area Woman Finally Reads Article She Opened In New Tab Last February | Apr 20 2018

Having finally read in its entirety the article her friends had been talking about for ages, area woman Christina Tan congratulated herself for closing a tab she had opened last February. “I started to feel so guilty seeing the unclosed tab every time I opened Netflix that eventually I started a whole new window just for TV-watching,” said Tan, who hadn’t closed any tab or application on her computer in a full 16 months.

‘What a Steal!’ Says Junior Who Just Bought Senior’s Lumpy Sex Couch | Apr 20 2018

Excited about the great bargain he had found on Brown University Buying and Selling, junior Marcus Schmidt reportedly told sources, “What a steal!” after purchasing senior Ann Rodriguez’s lumpy sex couch. “How no one had snagged this yet really beats me,” reported Schmidt, already reclining upon the couch which all of its previous owners had had sex on.

Woman in Window of Tealuxe Waiting for Someone to Notice How Hot She Looks | Apr 20 2018

After sitting in the window of Tealuxe longingly for the last several hours, area woman Nicole Lamb confirmed reports that she’s been waiting for someone to notice how hot she looks. “Tealuxe is the best place on Thayer to go if you’re looking for a low-key place to get some work done where everyone passing by the windows can see how hot you look,” said Lamb, adjusting her clear-frame glasses as she glanced out at the street to check if pedestrians had noticed her visible hotness.