I believe that chocolate chip cookie dough is the best kind of ice cream for a number of reasons. First, the base is just vanilla, which is the perfect base because it doesn’t overwhelm any of the other flavors. Okay, so this part should be forming one of the scoops. Just kind of curve the words around so they make a nice round shape. The rounder and more realistic, the better.

I want readers to be able to taste the amazing flavor of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream while they read this column, and the most effective way to do that is if it physically resembles an ice cream cone. It’s a gambit, sure, but I know it’ll pay off.

Secondly, chocolate chip cookies are yummy, but I believe that the dough is even tastier. The butter and the sugar and the chocolate chips come together to make a whole new flavor, and putting little bits of that dough in a base of vanilla ice cream is truly a party in your mouth. Can “mouth” be the very top of the cone? I think that would leave my readers totally craving a nice cold ice cream cone. Wait, damn. This line and the couple before can be a melty line of ice cream dripping off the cone or something, I don’t know. This is your job, get creative.

I can’t wait to read these words in the shape of a delicious ice cream cone, and I trust that you will respect my wishes.

The following big paragraph should be the cone itself. If you’re thinking that I’m making all this fuss because I’m not confident in the strength of my argument, think again. It’s just that I’ve read poems about trees where the words form a tree, or poems about cats where the words form a cat, and well, I’ve been blown away with the artistry. I’ve left those poems wanting a tree or a cat for myself, and if people read my persuasive essay about ice cream while looking at the shape of an ice cream cone, they will think my argument is just that much more convincing. I bet this cone is looking so good by now.

Don’t call me a visionary, just print my column like an ice cream cone, please.

If you need more words to make up the full beautiful shape of an ice cream cone, you can just print the words “ice cream” a bunch of times. Oh, this is gonna be so good.