Saturday, March 25, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Spencer Roth-Rose

Editor-in-Chief

Spencer's articles

“I’m Off To Seek My Fortune!” Says Boy Who Will Get Distracted By Magic Beans A Page Later | Mar 17 2017

Clueless to the fact that his heroic quest would be halted just a page later by a mysterious merchant with a glass eye, fairy tale protagonist Will jubilantly declared on Monday he was “off to seek [his] fortune.” “Farewell, Mother!” Will reportedly exclaimed, placing into his leather satchel a bottle of wine mulled by his mother to give him strength as he set forth on his journey.

It Would Be Funny If Peyton Manning Stole A Police Horse, But Not Because He Played For The Denver Broncos | Mar 17 2017

You know those policemen who ride horses? Sometimes I see them around when I’m walking through my hometown of Denver. When I do, I love to imagine Peyton Manning stealing one of those horses and taking it on a joyride all around town. It would be so funny, but not because he used to play for a football team called the Broncos.

History Textbook Writers Can’t Wait To Get Their Hands On 2016 | Dec 09 2016

Citing the year’s “completely bonkers” major events, history textbook writers around the country can’t wait to start diving into 2016. “Oh, man, where to begin?” said historian Maya Creel, adding that she might get started off on “pretty much the only bright note” of the Cubs’ World Series win, and then proceed to get more depressing from there.

Banksy Revealed To Be Kyle’s Dad | Dec 09 2016

The art world was rocked Thursday evening when it was revealed that famed street artist Banksy has always been Kyle Felman’s dad. “Huh. That’s weird. Isn’t Banksy British?” said area teen Heather Grable, who’s been friends with Kyle since fourth grade and knows Mr.

Report: Greg’s Nose Always Runny | Dec 09 2016

According to a report put out by several of his friends, the nose of local man Greg Stavig is always runny. “I thought it was just a seasonal allergies thing, but that was, like, eight months ago,” said Bethany Sanchez, adding that, weirdly, he never appears to actually be sick.

Jared Leto Still Wandering Hollywood In Joker Makeup | Dec 09 2016

Running a hand through his matted green hair, a bleary-eyed Jared Leto was seen wandering Hollywood still wearing his Joker makeup on Wednesday, sources report. “‘Suicide Squad’ came out over the summer, so they must’ve wrapped shooting a year ago.

Nation’s High School Boyfriends Announce Plan To Shimmy Up Tree And Sneak Into Your Bedroom Real Quiet So Your Dad Doesn’t Hear | Dec 09 2016

In a joint press conference on Tuesday, the nation’s high school boyfriends announced a plan to shimmy up that tree in your backyard tonight and sneak into your bedroom real quiet so your dad doesn’t hear. The plan is foolproof, according to the nation’s boyfriends.

R-Rated Superhero Film Just Protagonist Gunning Down Opponents While Saying “Fuck” Over And Over | Dec 09 2016

Sources on the set of upcoming R-rated superhero flick “Painmeister” report that the movie just consists of the hero gunning down his opponents while saying “fuck” repeatedly for two hours. “Audiences have been craving a superhero movie aimed at adults, where things aren’t just black and white.

We’ll Never Put Another Man On The Moon Because I Wrote My Darkest Secret In The Dirt There And There’s No Wind To Blow It Away by Neil Armstrong | Dec 09 2016

As the first man to step foot on the moon, I know the spirit of adventure and discovery. But despite that, I am firmly against putting another man on the moon. That’s because I wrote my darkest secret in the dirt up there and, since the moon has no atmosphere, there is no wind to blow it away.

POINT: This Dame Looks Like Heaven, But She’s Got Hell Written All Over Her. COUNTERPOINT: Please, Detective, I’m At My Wit’s End And I Simply Don’t Know What To Do! By Guy Ford, PI and Trixie Hart | Dec 09 2016

It’s been two months since your last case, and let’s just say things have looked better. You’re down to your last can of baked beans and you could play a game of basketball with all the bouncing checks. But this morning, before you could even take off your hat, in flounces a tall woman with a red dress and even redder lipstick.

I Came To Brown So I Wouldn’t Have To Do Math Ever Again, But Every Night Christina Paxson Sneaks Into My Dorm Room And Makes Me Do Problem Sets By Candlelight | Dec 09 2016

As a first-year, one of the main things that attracted me to Brown is its open curriculum. I loved the fact that, after hating math in high school, I would never have to do it again in college. Well, I found out too late that that’s not entirely true, because every night President Christina Paxson sneaks into my dorm room through the window and makes me do problem sets by candlelight.

Refugee Crisis Still Happening Out There, Nation Supposes | Nov 04 2016

Guessing that we’d all probably know if it had ended, citizens throughout the United States supposed on Friday that the Syrian refugee crisis was still going on. “It was a big deal not too long ago,” said Portland resident Micah Dearborn, recalling that he remembered seeing a lot about it on social media at one point.

Two Weeks In L.A. And The Only Celebrity I’ve Seen Is Josh Brolin 300 Times | Nov 04 2016

When I told my friends I was moving to Los Angeles, they were so excited for me. They told me that the weather would be great, there would be a lot of cool job opportunities, and that I’d see celebrities everywhere. Well, they weren’t quite right on that last one, because I’ve been in L.A.

Report: Greg Eats Same Thing For Lunch Every Day | Nov 04 2016

According to a report put out by several of his co-workers, local man Greg Stavig eats the exact same thing for lunch every day. “It’s a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread, lettuce, tomato, mustard,” said colleague Jill Jurgensson, admitting that, while eating it every day must get tiresome, the lunch itself is not inherently bad.

Dad Wishes Every Meal Could Be Cookout | Nov 04 2016

Sources close to local dad Al Felman reveal that, deep down, he doesn’t see why every meal can’t be a cookout. “I just love grilling out in the fresh air, smoke rising from the coals, spatula in hand. I don’t know why we can’t do that three times a day, 365 days a year,” Felman was heard to say, adding that he’d be happy to have the cousins over for burgers several times a week, or even several times a day.

Quarterback Begrudgingly Thanks God After Tie Game | Sep 16 2016

Giving a press conference after a come-from-behind tie game against the Oakland Raiders, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Carson Palmer reluctantly expressed his thanks to God. “It was due to the grace of God that I was able to guide my team to a draw, even though a win would have gotten us into the playoffs,” said Palmer, acknowledging that the big guy could have made the weather just a tad warmer.

Semester Abroad Opens Student’s Eyes To New Ways To Stay Immersed In American Culture | Sep 16 2016

Returning from an enlightening semester in Spain, Eric Gaborie ’17 can’t wait to tell his friends and family about all the ways that the experience opened his eyes to different and exciting ways to stay immersed in American culture, sources report.

Rookie Ambulance Driver Screaming Along With Siren | Sep 16 2016

Sources inside Manascus Hospital report that rookie EMT Will Bannister gets so wrapped up in things that he can’t help but scream along with the siren of the ambulance he’s driving. “Get out of the way!” Bannister was heard to scream, his excited voice mingling with the blaring alarm issuing from the roof of the vehicle as he leaned his head out of the open window and yelled at the top of his lungs at motorists who had already pulled over when they heard the sirens moments before.

Area Man Won’t Date Anyone With Same Name As His Wife | Sep 16 2016

Saying that such a coincidence “would just be too weird,” local man Vinnie Sainato has expressed that he just couldn’t bring himself to date a woman who shares a first name with his wife. “Every time I’d say the name ‘Maria,’ I’d get this image in my mind of my wife, who’d probably be up late watching TV in bed and waiting for me to come back home from whatever excuse I fed her that evening,” said Sainato, adding that he’d probably feel too awkward to refer to a girlfriend by the name that she’d share with the woman she’d be cuckolding.

Dad Been Wearing Biking Gear Around House Lately | Sep 16 2016

Sitting down around the table Thursday night, the family of local man Al Felman has noted that he’s taken to wearing biking gear around the house lately. “He was making dinner wearing those Spandex shorts. He’s still wearing them now,” said daughter Rachel, adding that last night he had on a bright yellow polyester cycling jersey while watching the basketball game on TV.

Chatty Friend In Movie Theater Won’t Shut Up About How He’s Choking On Popcorn | Sep 16 2016

Taking in a recent screening of Suicide Squad, area woman Pat Rykken expressed frustration that her friend won’t shut up about how he’s choking on a popcorn kernel and just let her enjoy the movie in peace. “It’s like, Matt, I get you wanna chat, but I’m trying to watch the movie here,” said Rykken, punching her friend playfully on the arm as his face slowly turned blue.

Preschool’s Acorn Motif A Bit Of A Stretch | Sep 16 2016

Phil Village, principal of the Acorn Academy Preschool, has sure been going full steam ahead on his school’s acorn theme, note local parents. “The place has little drawings of acorns on the walls, which is pretty cute,” said Cynthia Roberts, dropping off her daughter Lydia in front of the school.

Neurotic Arsonist Can’t Shake Feeling She Left Oven Off | Sep 16 2016

Driving away from a two-story house that she had been planning to burn down for months, local arsonist Jane Pemberthy couldn’t shake the persistent feeling that she left the kitchen oven off. “I’m pretty sure it’s on, I know I turned it on…but what if…no, that’s silly,” Pemberthy mumbled, reminding herself that she has never once forgotten to turn the oven on before leaving a house she’s trying to burn down.

Computer Science Professor Won’t Admit Her PowerPoint Is Messing Up | Sep 16 2016

Clearing her throat in front of the lecture hall of 150 students, computer science professor Vida Weisblum appeared determined to ignore the fact that her PowerPoint presentation was clearly malfunctioning. “Who can tell me the runtime of this algorithm?” said Weisblum, whose PhD in linguistic digital models seemed unable to prevent the spinning rainbow cursor icon from being frozen on screen for the past five minutes.

Yom Kippur Fast Offers Jewish Students Chance To Feel Bad For Themselves | Sep 16 2016

According to representatives from Brown-RISD Hillel, fasting Jewish students across campus this Yom Kippur are relishing the opportunity afforded by the holiday's fast to feel bad for themselves.

Somehow Nothing In NFL Rulebook About Murder | Dec 04 2015

An investigative report from Sports Illustrated on Friday has revealed that, despite containing hundreds of pages detailing the minutiae of every aspect of facilitating a professional football game, there is nothing in the National Football League rulebook about murder.

It's A Tough Job, But Technically No One's Gotta Do It by Advertising Executive Jim Noble | Dec 04 2015

I know what it’s like to work hard. As a high-powered New York advertising executive, often times I’ll find myself leaving the office late at night, arriving home well after my kids have gone to bed. Vacations are few and far between, and I haven’t taken a weekend off since the ‘90s.

School Bus Driver Wishes He Could Sit In Back With Cool Kids | Dec 04 2015

Gazing yearningly in the rear view mirror of his school bus, long-time bus driver Greg Fein stated his wish to sit in back with all the cool kids. “Brayden and Alex always hang out back there,” said Fein, adding that he can usually see the brim of Alex’s baseball cap poking up over the very last seat in the bus.

Disgraced Silent Film Star Revealed To Have Been Talking Really, Really Quietly | Dec 04 2015

In what has been dubbed “a Hollywood scandal for the ages,” silent film star Lena Archwood was revealed Monday to actually have been talking really, really quietly the whole time. “This goes against everything I’ve learned from watching silent films!” said area man Jimmy Nicketts, adding that he was disappointed to find out, upon turning up the volume all the way, that Archwood was not quite as silent as she pretended to be.

Email From Dad Just Link In Subject Line | Oct 30 2015

Opening up his Gmail on Sunday evening, Josh Linus ’19 has reported receiving an email from his dad consisting of nothing but a link in the subject line that points to a news article that tangentially mentions Brown. “It’s not the first time he’s confused the body with the subject, but I at least hoped there’d be some context or explanation,” said Linus, adding that his dad often forgoes the subject line altogether.

Student Trying To Give Dorm Cold, Emotionally Distant Feel Of Home | Oct 30 2015

Surveying her recently decorated dorm room in Champlin Hall, Eliza Marguerite ’19 expressed her satisfaction in re-creating the cold, emotionally distant feel of her childhood home. “I started by shoving all my elementary school art projects in a big bin and stowing it away somewhere far out of sight and mind,” said Marguerite, standing on the immaculately folded sheet of her bed to hang a single small framed portrait of her family.

Caricature Drawing Just One Giant Tooth | Oct 30 2015

Peering at the finished caricature drawing for which she had been posing for 20 minutes, area woman Theodora Bright expressed disappointment that it was just one giant tooth. “I mean, I’ve been told I have a toothy grin,” said Bright, adding that she agreed to pay street artist Emile Bazin to draw a parody of her face after passing his stand on the way home from work.

David Blaine Dies In Big Bubble Thing-Related Accident | Oct 30 2015

Calling it an “unforeseen tragedy,” reports on Thursday have confirmed that famed magician and endurance artist David Blaine has died in a big bubble thing-related accident. The acclaimed illusionist’s latest stunt, which featured him being suspended in what appeared to be a huge-ass transparent bubble, reached its tragic conclusion early Thursday morning.

I Couldn't Tell You Which Academic Building Is My Favorite, Because I Love Them All Equally, By President Christina Paxson | Oct 30 2015

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Dad Could Totally Survive Off The Land | Oct 06 2015

Glancing around his backyard Saturday morning, local dad Al Felman has determined that he could totally survive off the land if it came down to it. “Dig up some tubers to eat, yup,” Felman said, absent-mindedly hooking and unhooking the carabiner keychain from around his belt-loop.

Talentless Actor Really Just Wants To Talentlessly Direct | Oct 06 2015

Fresh off the heels of a mediocre supporting performance in Focus Features’ “Can You Hear The River Sing?” last July, Hollywood actor George LeDoux conveyed to reporters his true desire to direct mediocre film. “I love acting, don’t get me wrong,” LeDoux said, “but what I really want to do is direct a feature film.

Report: Average Businessman Angrily Sweeps Papers Off Desk Six Times Per Day | Oct 06 2015

A new report released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that the average American businessman angrily sweeps papers off of his desk six times a day. “60 percent of these massive displays of frustration occur after finding out that the big merger has gone sour,” said Bureau Commissioner Erica Groshen.

DJ Not Even Pressing Things Anymore | Apr 24 2015

Club-goers at Ultra, a popular Providence nightlife destination, reported that house DJ Mike Tobert has not touched his equipment in the past twenty minutes. “He pressed a key on his Macbook a little while ago,” said club-goer Christina Tomlinson, “but he’s just kind of been hopping around the stage ever since.

Museum Attendant Can’t Wait For Some Poor Schmuck To Use Flash | Apr 24 2015

Paula Lee, attendant at the Museum of Modern Art, has expressed excitement over the prospect of a museum patron taking a flash photograph of a work of art. “I know exactly what I’d do,” Lee said gleefully. “I’d step right on over to the gentlemen and say, ‘sir’, real stern-like.

CIA Denounces Torture Unless They Want To Know Something Important | Mar 06 2015

In a statement released Thursday, the Central Intelligence Agency unequivocally denounced all use of torture on suspected terrorists unless the suspects might know something important. “The United States has a complicated history of enhanced interrogation, we will not deny,” wrote C.I.A.

Mother Sounds Sad | Mar 06 2015

Joint research by Izzy Mueller, 11, and Caleb Mueller, 9, of Cranston, R.I., has determined that their mother sounds sad this evening. From their perch on the carpeted stairs to the second floor, Izzy and Caleb told reporters that their mother’s “big sighs” and “sleepy noises” while preparing dinner were the final clues leading to their diagnosis.