“I saw it on the side of the road and I just knew that it was the last piece I needed to finish decorating my room,” sad Storkin, admiring the deep mahogany shades of the table against the hideous white paint chipping off his walls. “It totally ties the place together.”

“Before the table, I was just resigned to the fact that this is the quality of college living and that my poster of Klimt’s ‘The Kiss’ would have to be enough,” added Storkin, ignoring the years-old grime on his windows. “But now with this bedside table, I feel truly prepared to entertain distinguished guests like I was hoping I would be able to.”

At press time, Storkin was just standing back and admiring the aesthetic of the room.