In spite of what Providence local Craig Brentwood described as a “rough” 2013, he has high hopes for the coming year. “I’m thinking about getting a nose piercing,” said Brentwood, who has no idea that this goal will be unattainable when aliens descend on Earth, grate his face off of his head, and surgically attach a goat face to the gaping chasm in front of his cranium. “It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time and I really think it would look cool.”
“The Sox could make a run at defending their championship,” said New England firefighter Mark Crow, unaware that revered catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia’s iconic beard would soon be replaced by a bloody goat stump of a face. “Go Sox!”
“I’m very excited to be having my first grandchild in the new year,” said 89-year-old Ethel Johnson, completely oblivious of the fact that what she expects to be a normal-looking infant will not have a human face for more than the time it will take the alien doctor to skin it off with some kind of alien version of a scalpel and surgically implant the well preserved, infant-sized goat head in its place.
“I have a sexual disorder where I am only attracted to people with goat faces,” said Alfred Pickling, who will soon experience a dramatic increase in the number of opportunities he has to act on his seemingly impossible sexual fetish. “Unlucky for me, that’s not a thing that exists. My condition has ruined my life. I feel extremely depressed and alone.”