Christina's articles
Sources report that Kevin Heft was the only person who showed up to the dance flash mob that was scheduled for yesterday afternoon.
Heft arrived to the main green at 2 PM, ten minutes before the flash mob was scheduled to begin, and waited for more than an hour for others to arrive.
According to his children, local dad Henry McFerrin is singing the guitar solo from Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child o’ Mine” on the drive to school again.
McFerrin’s children emphasized the fact that their father would break into loud vocal renditions of guitar solos three to four times a week.
At age 62, area woman Lauren King feels that she’s really learned to appreciate the big things in life.
“There’s nothing like moving too fast in life,” explained King. “We can never move fast enough, in fact, to really focus on all those big milestones that can happen.” King believes that it’s important to focus on the destination, and not the journey it took to get there.
Brown University tour guide Renee Hellner ’16 spent approximately 80 percent of her tour Wednesday bragging about her ability to walk backwards, according to tour-goers.
Hellner began the tour by asking tour-goers to let her know if there was someone or something behind her because she would in fact be walking backwards for the full hour.
Police reports have confirmed that there is a copycat criminal on the loose who has re-killed the same victim as another criminal in the area. Investigators are mostly asking the questions, “What’s this all about?” and “A copy who-what?”
Authorities say DNA evidence suggests the male victim was stabbed in the act of a second killing, and re-buried three feet from his original resting area.
Local authorities confirmed this Thursday evening that little man Stevie Archer, local city snow plower, thinks he’s big, big man in his big, big snowplow.
The little man has been spotted plowing around in the snow telling strangers on the street, “I am big man! Look at my big plow—I am big man!” To which strangers respond, “No you’re not! You just have a big plow!” They respond this way because he is a little man.
62-year-old Chad Barnes, local resident of Scranton, Pa. is beginning to think of the town’s Waffle House as his own waffle home. Sources say the man began to show up frequently at Waffle House which soon turned into a three-meals-a-day routine.
Barnes expressed that the Waffle House took some getting used to at first.
Sources say the Cahan family of four with a 13-year-old yellow lab dropped by a Providence dog shelter late yesterday morning to harmlessly look around. Brad and Cindy, parents of Andrew, 5, and Brendan, 8, told the owner of the Providence Animal Rescue League that regardless of the fact that they have a really old dog, they simply came to check out the shelter.
According to a report by the National Opinion Resource Center, the nation’s moms claim that the best part of Hope Middle School’s production of “The Wizard of Oz” was definitely the part when you were on stage.
“On behalf of all of the proud moms throughout the country, I would like to say that all the other kids did a really great job, but you were definitely the best part as the Mayor of Munchkin City, even better than that girl who played Dorothy and the boys who played the Tin Man and the Lion,” said one mom.
According to a report released on Monday by The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA), 95 percent of car collisions in the U.S. occur while the driver of one of the cars involved is trying to eat a full-to-the-brim bowl of soup.
“Driving while attempting to consume a full, sloshing bowl of soup is extremely dangerous, in part because on the angle of the driver’s body,” said Bill Tanning, a researcher at the NHTSA.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s life is full of ups and downs. You win some, you lose some, you crash your car into a strip mall sushi restaurant some, and there’s not much you can do about it.
Students taking ECON0110: “Principles of Economics” were dismayed to learn yesterday that there will be a mid-midterm midterm in class in the middle of the upcoming midterm exam.
“With a course that has three midterms, students tend to slack off, thinking they’ll just do better on the next midterm," explained Professor of Economics Rachel Friedberg.
Local man Michael Dover started his 35th birthday celebration with a toast to another year of the same routine, going from his apartment to his car to his office and back every day.
The celebration took place at O’Neil’s Pub, a bar that Dover likes to think of as his favorite, but which he rarely goes to now that things are so busy at work.
Sources confirmed that Earth’s inhabitants had a good day today—watering gardens, eating at restaurants, listening to music—all the while blissfully unaware that 2014 will be the year aliens land on Earth and begin systematically replacing all human faces with goat faces.
Today at 8:00 a.m. “just about everything” below the equator fell down into space. According to officials, the most probable cause of the extra-atmospheric landslide is the upside-down nature of the Southern Hemisphere. All physical beings and settlements on Antarctica, Australia, nine-tenths of South America, the southern third of Africa, the South Atlantic Ocean, Indian Ocean, South Pacific Ocean and most of Oceania are floating around in the vacuous space just outside the earth’s atmosphere.
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