YouTube Algorithm Radicalizing Woman Into Militant Yarn Hobbyist

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021
Filed under Politics

“It started off innocuous enough — I was pleasantly surprised when she made me a winter hat,” said Lorraine’s concerned sister Deb, who feels like she’s losing a loved one to the growing online contingent of yarn-fueled extremists. “But then she started staying inside nearly all day making everything from comfy sweaters to little bird figurines made of yarn. When I asked her how she learned to make all this, she responded with two chilling words: YouTube tutorials.”

YouTube’s algorithm has come under fire in recent years for recommending inflammatory content to keep users like Crandus online. After watching only a few knitting videos on the site, Crandus has reportedly transformed her apartment into a kitschy, woolen nightmare. Sources report that Crandus has fitted her bed with a crocheted duvet and filled her shelves with terrifying yarn-based representations of her friends and family.

“I just miss my sister, and I don’t want anymore goddamn scarves!” continued Deb Crandus with grief noticeable in her voice and the tops of homemade socks noticeable on her ankles. “Honestly at this point, I wish she had just been radicalized into something more normal, like a neo-fascist.”

At press time, Crandus had moved beyond her extreme yarn views and fallen down an even deeper needlepoint rabbit hole.